I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize