i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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