I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
