The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
