I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
