i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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