There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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