i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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