Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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