Got a toothbrush?
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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