It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
