after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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