we have pet lesbian snakes
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
