he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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