Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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