Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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