Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
