She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
