New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
