Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Terrible idea I love it
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
