I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
