In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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