I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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