Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
