part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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