Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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