Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
