i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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