saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize