watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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