Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize