The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
