I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
