Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Can you bring me the toilet please
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
