You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
