I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize