Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
