i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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