anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
