Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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