you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
