I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
