Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
