My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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