i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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