I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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