hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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