apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
