I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
