Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
