I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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