3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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