its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
