the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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