today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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