I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Randomize
